How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
pray to the hookup gods
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
