You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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