Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
