I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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