A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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