i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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