I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
