Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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