Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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