that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
