i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
