Barsexuality is the new black.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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