i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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