so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
