If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
