i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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