I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
