and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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