I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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