Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
