I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
