btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
