i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
