When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
