remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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