I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
