OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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