Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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