you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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