I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Randomize
