after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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