oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
