How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
