I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
