Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
