I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
