I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
