we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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