and next time when you feel me up, do it right
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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