I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
