I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
