Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
