Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
