Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
