its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
