the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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