there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
