Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
