I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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