New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
